Last week was seriously terrible. Didn't sleep well, just rolled around in bed all night long, every night. When it's like this and I sometimes just stare into the dark ceiling above for what at least feels like hours and hours I can't help but think about mum and the fact that she is not here anymore. Sometimes I forget about it all and think to myself 'I have to call her tomorrow and see how she's doing', but then I realise why she wouldn't pick up the phone. I go through everything in my head. That weekend when her condition became worse and the following weeks of just waiting for what we knew would happen, sitting by the side of her bed in my old bedroom during those last days and that night when I knew it all had ended, with a phone call at 2:35 AM. The hurt is still beyond words.
Every morning when I have to get up after not sleeping is filled with anxiety. Thankfully it always passes after I have had breakfast and taken the train to work. But besides working I can't get anything else done. I haven't answered a single email even though I had managed to get a good routine going this last month. I can't even organize the mess on our hat shelf (which I also use for shoes because otherwise Sputnik eats the shoe laces) in the hallway that has been annoying me for months. All I do is play videogames, eat and fall asleep in front of the tv - apparently there's no problem falling asleep there. All I need is real sleep.
Thank you for all the comments on my previous entry, it is so nice reading about you. I still haven't finished reading them all.
Two medium format frames by Leo. Apologies for the smudged makeup and what looks like a dislocated shoulder.