October 20, 2014

no more sleepless nights, please

Last week was seriously terrible. Didn't sleep well, just rolled around in bed all night long, every night. When it's like this and I sometimes just stare into the dark ceiling above for what at least feels like hours and hours I can't help but think about mum and the fact that she is not here anymore. Sometimes I forget about it all and think to myself 'I have to call her tomorrow and see how she's doing', but then I realise why she wouldn't pick up the phone. I go through everything in my head. That weekend when her condition became worse and the following weeks of just waiting for what we knew would happen, sitting by the side of her bed in my old bedroom during those last days and that night when I knew it all had ended, with a phone call at 2:35 AM. The hurt is still beyond words.

Every morning when I have to get up after not sleeping is filled with anxiety. Thankfully it always passes after I have had breakfast and taken the train to work. But besides working I can't get anything else done. I haven't answered a single email even though I had managed to get a good routine going this last month. I can't even organize the mess on our hat shelf (which I also use for shoes because otherwise Sputnik eats the shoe laces) in the hallway that has been annoying me for months. All I do is play videogames, eat and fall asleep in front of the tv - apparently there's no problem falling asleep there. All I need is real sleep.

Thank you for all the comments on my previous entry, it is so nice reading about you. I still haven't finished reading them all.




Two medium format frames by Leo. Apologies for the smudged makeup and what looks like a dislocated shoulder.

47 comments :

  1. Sweet Annette, I always read your posts and look at your wonderful portraits. I was able to feel the pain you wrote about in first person. I think this is your special power: making people become part of your existence. I hope you to rise again because, believe me, once you have laid on the ground there's nothing under and rising is the only thing you can do. A lot of love, a big fun of yours, Miriana.

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  2. I can't imagine what you're going through... Sending lots and lots of love your way... *hug* <3

    Laura

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  3. never apologize for your photos. they are so beautiful and full of feeling, no matter what they depict. they are actual pieces of your life, and i thank you for sharing them.
    my thoughts and prayers go out to you at this time. there is nothing like missing someone.
    there is nothing like the brain tricking you when you are missing someone. what you wrote make my heart break.
    -Abigail

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  4. Dearest A,

    (I'm trying to blink the tears away as I write this...) Please be gentle, kind and patient with yourself and with your heart, and try not to fret about what needs to be done at this time. All those things that need to be done will be done, and if playing video games, eating and sleeping in front of the tv is what helps get you through, then I say play and eat even more in front of the tv (!!).

    Sending you big hugs and much love (and sleep!),
    C xoxo

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    1. I have been trying to think like that since I posted this as well, that things can wait and I shouldn't rush anything since it only makes things worse. I have been playing a lot of video games and eating in front of stupid tv shows, but I actually have been sleeping at least somewhat better in my bed rather than in front of the tv. It feels good to be on the right track again :)

      <3

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  5. Obviously, I cannot imagine the pain you are going through, but it happened to me too when my grandmother died. Let me at least share my compassion with you. I wish you to get better. You know the pain will eventually go away. Eventually.

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    1. In a way I don't think the pain will ever go away, but I think it will get easier to handle it. Like it somehow becomes a part of who you are. Not necessarily in a bad way, though :)

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  6. They say it gets easier but it never does. It changes, that's all.

    /Avy

    http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com


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  7. You don't have to be sorry.

    Annette, YOU ARE AWESOME :)

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  8. My problems are much smaller but I also have anxiety so understand on some level how you feel. I hope you will get through this x

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  9. Replies
    1. These were taken by my boyfriend, but thank you anyway! :)

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  10. Your photography work is amazing, it's beyond words. It is just about this simple emotion that you catch so perfectly.

    http://stateofcate.com/

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  11. This is the most cliche thing in the world, but time heals. There was a time in my life when I never thought I would get over the death of my Nan (who was more of a mother to me than my "real" mum - my Nan pretty much raised me). I didn't sleep for months. If you can get through the day, you have accomplished something. And then each day it becomes a little easier to accomplish those seemingly small every day tasks (that were easier before your life changed). You need to give yourself time, and not be so hard on yourself during this period. Emails and cleaning are not the end of the world, and if video games and falling asleep in front of the TV is what's helping right now, then do it.
    (I've been following your blog for a while, but rarely comment. I mostly just look at your lovely photos, but I wanted to write something for once).

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    1. Thank you so much for your words. Somehow it is really comforting to hear about the experiences of others. I'm glad you commented! <3

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  12. Hello Annette :)

    First I have to say thank you for all your beautiful photos. You are truly one of my favourite photographer. My mother has been sick for many years and this year she got worse. I struggled with a lot of anxiety and sleeplessness this spring. But luckily I got help from a psychologist and medication, so now I am doing a lot better. Hope you have someone to talk to about your pain. And I hope you know that if things are really bad medication can be a good way to help you if you also go to therapy. To help me sleep I got a medication called circadin. Its not a sleeping pill, so you don't get addicted to it. Its only melatonin that our body produces naturally. Now I don't need it any more and sleep well. It also helps to go to bed at the same time every night and to get up in the morning at the same time everyday. And I hope you know that all of your feelings are normal in your situation. Take care of yourself and hang out with friends and family that you trust. Talk to them about what you feel. Trust me, it will help you. It can also help to write down your feelings. I am thinking a lot about you, and hope you feel better soon.

    Lots of love and kisses from Kjersti <3

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    1. Thank you! Sometimes I think I would really need some kind of medication to help me sleep a little better. Though, lately I have been drinking chamomile tea some nights before going to bed, after my boss at work told me it might help. And it actually helps me calm down.

      <3

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    2. That makes me so happy to hear! :) I,m so glad that you are feeling better.

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  13. Dear Annette,
    When I read about the terrible loss of your mother, I was so glad to have my mum still with me, but now a couple weeks later doctors say that my mother's cancer has returned and I feel so lost. I can't imagine a life without her.
    I can't even really function any more, just like you I go to work every day, and it all goes well, but it's when I'm at home, alone, that's when it's hard.
    I'm sending you all the love in the world, I'm right here if you ever need to talk to someone.
    Much Love,

    Ray from www.RaySnaps.com

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    1. Ray, I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. I know the desperation I'm assuming you feel. I'm OK when I'm at work and keep my mind occupied, but when I get home it's like it all hits me over and over again. Probably because there are so many things that remind me of her, or makes me think of her. Some days I can't do much, and even the most silly and stupid things can make me sad or angry. Though, it's a little better now - I can think of her in a way that makes me happy and appreciate that she has been there for 25 years of my life.

      Make sure to spend time with your mum. And, if it is not to difficult for either of you, talk to her about the situation. My mum and I talked a lot about the cancer and even death, and even though it basically hurt like hell I think it helped us both to handle our feelings.

      Lots of love and hugs <3

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  14. I wish I could just hug you

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  15. Oh, Annette, I understand how you are, I lost my mother. Time, juste time to help you. And ALWAYS be with those love you.
    Je vous envoie beaucoup de tendresse et de compassion !

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    1. Thank you, and I'm sorry for your loss as well.

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    1. I wish the best for both you and your father, and I'm happy to read that you can stay positive despite the situation :) I will head over to your blog!

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  17. Great content dear. Would you like to follow each other? Let me know and I am instantly follow you back. Thank you so much! Have a nice week :) xoxo
    http://szepsegpotty.blogspot.hu/

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  18. i like these photos, they are very... real.
    i've lost my father when i was 10. My eyes still go wet when i see a random father with his little girl.
    But it will get easier

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  19. maybe try some sleeping pills, for now

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    1. I hope so too. Sleeping pills scare me a little bit even though I think I would need it sometimes. My boss told me to drink chamomile to calm down at night, and it works, so for now I will settle for that :)

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  20. Dear Annette,
    I am sorry to read that you have lost you mom and that you have been suffering from insomnia. It will take time before everything seems normal again, although what is normal right? So don't be too harsh on yourself, and allow your heart to heal from this pain. Your mom will always live in your heart and she is probably watching over you at this moment.

    My roommate in undergrad had lost her mom too, but for her it was so unexpected. One day her mom was fine, the next she was dead. They found that she had a blood clot in her brain that was not picked on in time. It took her a year to stop crying, now she is doing better, she smiles again and tries to enjoy life, but I know that she misses her mom terribly and I always feel so sad because there is nothing I can do to remove that pain from her heart.

    I just hope that you will find your peace too soon. Until then, take care.

    xo,
    Colette
    Skattered Notes: A Lifestyle Blog

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for the encouraging words, it means so much to me <3

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  21. I love these two pictures so much, they look and feel incredibly real. Imagining life without someone who was always part of it, part of ourselves... is too hard. I hope you have good friends, distractions, people you can count on right now. Wanderlust certainly helps numbing the grief a bit for a while but it's not always schedule-friendly. Or if you really need temporary hibernation, diazepam! But I wouldn't suggest anyone who's already down to get into downers. Best wishes, keep on going, and if you ever need a random chat, I'm here! xxx

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  22. you are talented!

    http://alexandraclame.blogspot.com/

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  23. Annette, I just stumbled upon this post. Your images are always beautiful and mysteriously dreamy. You are so gifted, really and truly. They tell stories in a melodic, song-like way. My heart breaks for your sorrows. I cannot even imagine such a pain. But I think the reason why I happened to stumble across this post is because I'm supposed to tell you that God loves ou and understands your pain. He is beside you in the nights when you're staring at the dark ceiling and He hurts when you do. Praying for your heart to be made whole. You are important.

    -Susie

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